the crushing weight of personal expectation

At what point do you accept that you aren't going to be special?

When do you acknowledge that the world will not tremble at your passing?

How do you accept that you're just another face in an insignificant mass?

I don't have answers for this, anymore than I had answers to the nihilistic despair that hit me in my twenties (eventually I realised that 'it is what it is' and that freed me - it took a while though to just let go). Do other people have these same conceits as they grow up? I'm not sure it's any different to the hordes of 18 year olds raised on a diet of celebrity that assume that desire equals realisation. I'm not even sure of what it is I'm feeling like I've missed.

It would help if I had an idea of what I was supposed to *be* - but I have no clue, just a sense of not meeting some expectations that I can't even vocalise into a coherent form. Currently I'm putting it down to winter blues and some frustrations about work that are just colouring everything else.

Maybe it's a midlife crisis ;)

Bah.

'Expect the unexpected'

On my drive to work this morning, the digital sign on Pont Champlain said 'Expect the unexpected. Drive carefully'. What the hell does that mean? I'm all for illogical sentences ('where did you lose it?'), but on a street sign I expect a little more. It's the equivalent of those road signs warning you that deer might cross at some point, or rocks might fall on you - how am I supposed to process that in a useful manner?

Expect the unexpected and drive accordingly - if we really followed that advice then we'd all be doing 5mph and have mattresses strapped to all available surfaces of the car. And be wearing a helmet. Scratch that, we'd probably just stay home with the tinfoil hats on, ordering out for food that we wouldn't dare open the door for.

Why isn't 'don't drive like a dick' sufficient? Everyone would get that and behave themselves - why the need for nannying statements that make you want to do the unexpected just to fuck with everyone else. 'Hah - I did a handbrake turn while pulling a mooney out the window. You crashed into the barriers because you weren't expecting that'. I'm not sure it would hold up in court, but still....

Guess who's back... navel gazing

I wanted to start writing again, and remembered that I had this outlet available to me. Every day i get a desire to write, and then I let it subside and I let other things take priority - and then writing becomes a luxury that I can afford to be without. I realised today that it really isn't a luxury - if thoughts are not expressed, then they can just become emotional junk; it's the process of turning thoughts into coherent communication that allows me to take an objective position and work out if I'm right or not.

I haven't looked back through this blog yet, so I only have vague recollections of where I was. Maybe that's the value of diaries/blogs - not so much a record of what you did, but a record of where you were mentally. I think I was in a pretty good place mentally when I came to Canada, but I continued to evolve. To me, the biggest compliment I can give myself is 'you've changed since last year' - self-actualisation and personal growth are my prime motivators in everything i do.

Speaking personal evolution and change - some people really need to learn about correct dosing. I'm not going to get all pious here, many of us have overindulged with one narcotic or another (alcohol being the most likely) - but this kid really needs to get a clue. When you've taken so many pills that you can no longer walk, you've taken too many.

What really gets to me with this clip is the lack of compassion from the people standing around - at some point the festival scene stopped being a fun sharing vibe (Im talking back in the 90s), and just become a venue for people to get fucked up and stay in the same social armour that they wear the rest of the time. The change coincided with the resurgence of beer at these events. Pretty sad.

I'm leaving for new adventures today :)

I don't feel like navel gazing though, I'm looking ahead now. My best friend phoned me last night and I felt hugely better for talking to him (and then TD afterwards - supportive lovah!).

Anyway - I saw this this morning and lol'd a lot. It's a hundred kinds of awesome:
Kasparov The Conceited looking alarmed? Check
Security guards looking moody? Check
Dildo made into a helicopter? Check
Awesome.

http://www.break.com/index/sex-toy-helicopter-interrupts-speech.html

Next post will be from Canadialand

Leaving isn't easy, but I'm glad I'm doing it

The strange thing about emmigrating is the "this is the last time I'll ever" thoughts. Today is the last Saturday I'll be spending here (other than the odd trip back). It's a bit self-indulgent and dramatic, but I'm expressing it as I feel it.

Today I take my daughter back to her mother's after spending just over a week together (she's 8 and on half-term). We've had a nice time, and it hasn't been an angst ridden mope-fest - it's just been normal. I had a bit of a pang this morning, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm only going to be a 5 hour flight away - I'm not dying, and neither is she. Perspective is hard to maintain in the face of emotion. My hope is that when she comes to visit she'll fall in love with the place too, and will choose to come and live with us. If she doesn't, then she's still going to have awesome holidays. It's great to have a partner like TD that is completely supportive and understanding of what I need to aim for as a father - I'm not used to it so sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not responsible for everything anymore.

Flicking through facebook a minute ago, I saw some pictures of my Brighton friends. I miss them and I miss Brighton - it's where I was born, and also where I was reborn. I need to spread my wings though, the chance of a whole new life was not to be passed up. My mother is Canadian and she left home when I was 4, I didnt see her again till I was 16. Consequently I held onto Canada as this place that I needed to know, needed to see - it was the only link I had to her. In some ways it has as much of a draw on my soul as Brighton. My childhood was spent laying claim to being half-canadian. So in a way I'm returning to my other roots :)

I'm going into this with my eyes wide open (perhaps in terror!) - as the 7th approaches, I allow myself a little more excitement. My work permit came through on Thursday, and that was the last thing that I was waiting for - I've got the girl and I've got the job that lets me get to her. I have a week on my own now, which I've thankfully managed to fill with work appointments, so the time should go quickly. So much unknown territory awaits me, I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and psyching myself to jump into the water below.

A 7 day countdown until I actually do it though :)

7.....

Insomnia

A cycle of refutable logic
Beating me to a guilty pulp
Tired and emotional
Refutable becomes irrefutable.

A maelstrom of feelings
Disconnected thoughts dont linger
Long enough for analysis.
Like trying to catch rain drops.

The pillow over my ears
Doesnt smother the pattering
From inside my head
It just makes me sweat.

Sleep eventually comes
Never deep enough for rest
But enough to make my head ache.
With the morning comes coffee.
And insight.

They did the right thing

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/may/21/health.stemcells

What I didn't mention before was that they were supposed to be voting on amendments to the Bill relating to embryo research and IVF access for lesbian parents - the pro-life/anti-choice lobby hijacked the debate and submitted amendments to the 24-week limit on abortion.

Thankfully the majority of our politicians realised that there was no need to change the law, as nothing has changed since it was made in 1990. This despite of the emotive tactics of the pro-life MP's, holding up pictures of foetuses and offering anecdotal evidence of "murder".

As the above link relates:
"Christine McCafferty, the Labour MP for Calder Valley, who tabled a separate Commons motion stating that the current abortion time limit is "scientifically and ethically justified", said: "The pregnant women herself is the only person who can make a responsible decision.

"Abortion should be a private decision between the patient and her doctor, just like any other medical treatment. Why is it so difficult for societies, even one like ours, to give the power to decide to those who carry the consequences?""

I can't put it better than that - it's easy to take a moral position when you don't have to carry any of the consequences. Much like people opposing "saviour babies" (when screening can be used to ensure that a new baby is a good match genetically to save the life of an older sibling) as messing with God - let's see what your position is when it's your child that has a deadly illness.

The religious have acted in such a "we know best, God's will blah blah" manner over this, that it has reawakened by militant atheism - I had settled to a "live and let live" approach to religion, but then I see how they want to affect and dictate our lives. Atheists need to be aggressive about their position, it isn't enough to just let them be. Anyway.

It was good to see the party leaders continue the tradition of allowing their members to vote according to their personal ethics and consciences - for the last ten years we have seen very few 'free' votes from the Labour party, so I'm glad they allowed it for such an important topic.