On emmigration

Is this true? Why wasn't I informed??

My new hobby

Fuck Nihilism

And so my philosophy on life is exposed :)

All the best ones die...

Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005
Sigh - Mitch Hedberg is one of my favourite comedians. I only just found out that he died from a drugs overdose two years ago. Usually when I listen to comedians on my own, I just laugh quietly to myself - but he makes me laugh out loud, to the point of tears at times :) If you do drugs you're bad, but people like Mitch Hedberg and Bill Hicks show, you can also be real funny.

" When I was a boy, I laid my twin size bed wonderin' where my brother was..."
" I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from of my neck. Don't go to see Dr. Acula!"
"I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "That tree is far away!""
"I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house, I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. He has three apples left ... I guess I can't have one... Won't want to fuck up the practice routine."
"I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.""
"I wake up in the morning, I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive."
"One time a guy handed me a picture, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera. What's it look like?..."

Sad he's gone but laughing at the jokes :) My favourite of all time:

"I once bought an ant farm, but I was disappointed. They didn't grow shit."

Thoughts on commitment

"What's important to you? That is the question.

Commitment will give you a headache every now and then.
New pussy always clears your mind.

But you've got to think about life in the long term. People tell you that life is short. No it's not. Life is long. Especially if you've made the wrong decisions.

And in the long term, if you're sick, is new pussy going to take care of you? No.

If you're hungry, is new pussy going to feed you? New pussy can't cook!


If you've got a baby, is new pussy going to teach him how to read? New pussy's illiterate!

So you've got to come back to commitment, and turn this old pussy into new pussy. You've got to recycle the pussy!" - Chris Rock

Not something I'm struggling with, but after a conversation with a friend last night it brought back a lot of bad memories from the breakdown of my marriage. Once you you've fucked around, that's it for the relationship. Are you going to spend your life lying to the person you love? If a major component of love is respect, how can you be in love with someone who you're hiding your behaviour from? It's a maggot in the core, and eventually the whole apple turns bad. That feeling when you bite in and see half a maggot? That's what it's like when you're first unfaithful - you can't go back. The taste will stay with you forever.

Most importantly, fucking around damages you. It blackens the soul and makes you feel ashamed - you might not acknowledge it, you might pretend that it's ok, that you'll be faithful once it gets serious. But there's always a moment when you look in the mirror and you know what you are. It doesn't make for pleasant viewing.

One of my friends is polyamorous - he made a telling comment about monogamous relationships: "Don't live a lie - why bother with something that is based on deceit?". He doesn't believe people are supposed to be monogamous, and he lives his lfe accordingly. He's open and honest about it, and he's never misled anyone. You might not agree with his beliefs or his choices, but you can respect the fact that he doesn't lie about it. He can look in the mirror. I like being able to look in the mirror - I like having a bulletproof relationship. Funny thing is, now he's with someone he desperately loves, the polyamory seems to have faded - they might share things sexually, but there's only one woman for him (two if you count Babalon). True love has no room for extras.

If you're invulnerable to outside attacks because of the strength of your pairing, why would you sabotage it from the inside? I'm no saint, I've done some pretty reprehensible things in the past - but that gives me strength now. I know what it is like to fuck up a relationship, I'm not going back to those dark days ever again.

Life is long - live it the best way you can. Short term animalistic gain is not worth the loss of a cultivated soul. I am becoming the best I can possibly be, and that's because of the rock solid foundations that have been laid. Now I'm starting to build on them with my lover, and I can already tell it's going to be magnificent.

Know thy will
93 93 93

I hate Sweden. It is like a permanent white light filter has been applied to the place. Spending time here makes it abundantly clear how they ended up with Ikea. The whole place has been white-washed. The people are cold and aloof, business meetings are dull and unidirectional, the food is shit and the weather - gah! Woke up this morning to horizontal snow and sleet. Walked outside and felt my eyeball freezing over.

What's weird is I like winter and snowy weather, it's just particularly unpleasant here. Can't explain way - I think the complete disconnection of language doesn't help. Looking forward to going back to Brighton tomorrow.

Then two weeks till Reno. Wooohoo

The Best Thing About Brighton

If you get a clear day with a really vivid vibrant sunset, and the starlings decide they want to roost in the pier, then it is awesome to see. You sit wrapped up warm on the pebble beach and watch the cloud start to form, and then see that cloud start to undulate and swirl and lighten and darken as it's density changes. Alongside the beautiful spectacle of thee starlings, there is the constant sound of the sea rolling pebbles back and forth. There is something about the backdrop of a burned out old pier that strengthens the peak experience of the moment - when you feel one with the universe and the ego is gone. I get it when mountain biking and skiing as well, whenever I'm in forests actually. We are so much more than the petty concerns that fill our lives. We need moments like Brighton's starlings to remind us.

Sometimes it really hurts

What do you do when the dreams spread beneath your feet blend seamlessly into you? You are the dream.

Kindly back off

Wearing some of this now

It's sexy and shiny and has five times the stopping power of conventional bomb disposal armour. Should do the trick. Better late than never.

Raaaaargh training make me strong

Unfortunately this is not my physique - however, it's been great to get back into training today, so i thought I'd post an inspiring image :) After a crappy night dealing with people's (incorrect) perceptions of my thoughts and motivations, I then got about 4 hours of sleep. This was after coming back from taiji, where I went through the whole form very slowly with the class - I was feeling a bit under the weather at the start of the lesson, so doing the form tends to bring things to a head. I either get better, or I get sick and get better sooner. I think it was the latter as I spent all night in a sweat-soaked delirium. Woke up feeling horrendous, had some more sleep and then felt ok.

Decided to get back on the training obsession - so I had a quick run, then did my clubbell routine, then the empty hand and scholar sword taijiquan forms. Then I had a loooong soak in the bath and now I feel like I've been using my body properly again - the delicious ache of well-used muscles.

I feel like myself again - testosterone and endorphins for the win.